Friday, June 29, 2001

I wish I had a day to lay outside and watch the clouds, to make up stories for what they look like. I wish I had a stormy day, and a good book, or better yet, a stormy day and a bookstore and a credit card I didnt have to pay off. Yeah, that would be great.

I fear I've fallen into a comfort zone, and im just too afraid to make changes, even though I know they would probably be for the best right now. I've worked at Dixie being underpaid and over worked for 2 years now, but for some reason I stay there. I've lived in Branson for almost 12 years, and now that I've seen all there is to see, and done all there is to do, and there really isnt much keeping me here, I still stay. I continue to overwork myself for hardly any money and little or no appreciation, but that's just what I do I eat the same turkey sandwiches and wear the same jeans and t-shirts and sing the same songs and think the same things that I have for years, and I just want to get out of this rut. I am therefore planning two lovely trips with Kelly. Next year, we're going to go to Europe and see all there is to see, and then either in 2003 or 2004, hit the Middle East, Africa, Asia, yada yada ya. I have so many different reasons for these trips. First of all, if you're somehow blind and have been living in a hole, I REALLY need a vacation. A real one. Second, who wouldn't love to pub-hop in London with a great friend, and decide which Eurpopean hotel we stay in is the scariest? To see Stonehenge and the Tower of London and the Eiffel Tower and such? And hell, I'm 1/4 Irish, I think I should see the country sometime before I die, why not now?

And so, while all of those reasons are fine and dandy, and really enough to go on by themselves, there's also the Real Reason. I'm at this point in my life where I've decided I want to make changes, and figure things out. Now, in my opinion, about 90% of our initial beliefs, morals, values, and general ideas about the world come from either our parents, the media, or our friends. How much of what you believe in did you really just sit around, research and contemplate, and then decide? Most of us have our religious beliefs because they were passed on to us by our families from the time we were old enough to sit through church without crying. They taught us what was right and wrong, and then those beliefs were either affirmed or questioned by our peers and the things we have seen. And so I can't help but wonder, how would my ideas, beliefs, and values be different if I had been exposed to more diversity in my life? How can I really know what I believe if I've never been exposed to what others believe? And so came about the seedling of an idea, to go to other countries and see what they are like. To eat what they eat, do the things they do, and absorb as much as I can. Then I will finally (um, hopefully!) feel ready to decide where to go from here. And hey, if all else fails, its still going to be one hell of a trip!

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