Monday, August 12, 2002

Writing about a breakup is really hard. I cant write when I’m angry, or I’m going to say a lot of things I don’t realy mean just because it feels good to say them. I cant write when I’m sad, or I say a lot of things I don’t really mean either. Luckily, the past day or so, I’ve been in a much better mood. I still have an hour here of there where all I want is to be back together, but then logic sets in, and I’m pretty ok. Or maybe I’m fooling myself. I really don’t know what I feel yet. It was not a pretty kind of breakup. Well, it was at first, but then I thought things over and was totally freaked out by the idea and wanted to do anything to save it. That’s when it turned into a total of about 12 hours crying on the phone. Not the easiest thing ever.

What can I say then? Mostly, we had some issues that have been lingering for a while that there’s really no way to resolve at this point in our lives- we want totally different things. If we ever end up in a place where we’ve grown and changed a little and find ourselves looking for the same things, or at least with more similar priorities, we may get back together. Until then, who knows.

I know that this is something I need. I’ve known there were problems for ages, but loving him so much and not wanting to lose what we had overpowered that. I listen to talk radio almost every day while I’m doing my bank run, and even though I don’t always agree with I hear (read: rarely), I kept hearing the same advice to so many women: You’re not out there to find a man you can change into what you want. You’re out to find a match, and if he’s not a match, why are you wasting your time? Its really hard to look at things like that when you have so many feelings invested, but its true.

In a way I’m tempted to just pack up and move to Orlando, or New York, or San Francisco, or just go live with Kelly, and have this whole fresh start. Its probably for the better that my finances don’t allow that though ;)

Moving on, (heh, now there’s a phrase of the day.) I have to tell you about some really good things, and the usual randomness! A week or so ago, I got mail from a life insurance company. Figuring it was junk, I tossed it aside, and finally got around to opening it a few hours later. Inside was a check for $774. Apparently, it was a refund of some sort for a life insurance policy that I didn’t even know my mom had on me. (Rock on, mom!) Anyway, I was obviously totally skeptical at first, but it was real. Me, who had a dollar fifty in her bank account, now had almost $800. This, my friends, is a very good thing. Especially when a girl has taxes due on her car, her first (damn big) car payment coming up, owes her mom $250, and has a breakup which requires at least $12 of Godiva chocolates, plus about another $80 in random shopping. (This brings us back to two important theories: 1-Shop Therapy is always good, and 2- the magnetic poetry that I just cant bear to take down- “Chocolate always says I love you”) Oh, and one other reason I need money. I’m planning a vacation.

Yeah, I know, haven’t we heard THAT before? Are we watching that same old “Crystal goes to Disney World!” rerun again? Yup. Basically, I really, really need a break, and that’s my destination of choice. Because I decided I needed some extra spoiling, and because I got a FANTASTIC room rate ($182/nt for a $400/nt room!!!), I’m staying at my beloved Polynesian for six days. Six blissful days.

You really have no idea how much I love this place. Its home. Imagine waking up in the morning and calling room service which arrives right after you finish getting dressed. The room servicey person sets up your breakfast (complete with tablecloth!) out on your balcony. My breakfast of choice is called Tonga Toast, which is this huge, thick banana-stuffed French toast with warm syrup, with bacon on the side. Its bliss on a plate. Now, keep in mind that you’re outside. Its about 75 degrees, just starting to warm up for the day. Palm trees stand over the perfectly-manacured lawn, where two of the smartest ducks ever (they chose to live there, and have been there at least 3 years- bloody genius in my book!) are hanging out enjoying the sun. Bay Lake stretches before you, and you can see some people out on sailboats. Oh, and did I mention Cinderella’s Castle in the distance across the lake? Yeah. So you sit there in complete peace, occasionally watching the monorail go by, enjoying breakfast.

Not a bad morning, eeh? I’m totally addicted to this place. I could spend my whole vacation at the resort and still be perfectly happy. I really want to add on 5 days at Port Orleans Riverside, one of my other favorite resorts, and as a long shot 4 more days at the Wilderness Lodge, but it all comes down to cash. If all I can afford is the 6 days at the Poly, I’ll still be pleased as punch, but really, having 15 days total is what I need. In other words, I’ve become totally spoiled, and anything less than 2 weeks just seems to short. There, I admitted it.

If you’ve been holding out for a Tallulah update, here one is! The kitten-head is still doing great, and I’m starting to get that feeling that I’m raising a toddler. Her new thing is chasing pieces of dry food. She’s so hard to get to eat much as it is, so I’m totally game to sit there and toss individual pieces of kitten food across the kitchen floor so she can chase after them. It’s a long process, but amusing as hell. And for the record, she’s make an incredible hockey goalie- its impossible to get a piece past her! Today she “helped” me clean out my car. That meaning she climbed around in the back seat, up to where the back window is, into the front seat, everywhere. She’s in her teething phase now, and she chews on EVERYTHING. Poor Mousey (her favorite toy) may not survive the ordeal.

Last night I indulged in the ultimate guilty pleasure: I watched a backstreet boys concert on video. All I can say is holy hell, that is the ultimate tool for getting over a relationship. I forgot how the Blonde Wonder gets to me. Hot damn! Now I just need Episode 2 on DVD, and life will be fantastic. Oh, the very best part of the video is that it has the original BSB band!! I used to hang out on Tommy, the keyboard guy’s website all the time. There was a group of us who chatted there on a regular basis, and got to know the band pretty well. I miss Tommy!

And a random note, I should not be allowed to watch those things the Humane Society has on the news. You know where they show a few animals that are up for adoption? I want them all. Watching that just made me start seriously considering getting a friend for Tallulah. When Cassie was still around (she’s still missing), we said at least 10 times a day “Im SO glad we have two!!”. Kittens that age have so much energy, they need a companion. Tallulah tries to play with Laura (my 10-year old cat), but that goes over..well.. not well. So yeah, it’s a huge temptation. They also had this white husky/german shepherd mix on just now that I want. I want em all, dammit!

I just checked out our humane society’s website, and the prices are really reasonable. The $40 cat adoption fee includes all their shots, flea treatments, ear mite treatments, and it even covers them getting spayed/neutered. Seeing that kitten shots are $27 alone, that’s not bad at all.

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