Wednesday, February 03, 2010

How to screw kids up for life

The Buckethead Show recently did a feature on really screwed up old sex ed videos. These are a few they played and posted on their site that I felt the need to share with you guys.... However, please do not blame me if watching these makes you never want to have sex again, and if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, well... call me.

a) I love that the kid has a "Make Love, Not War" poster on the door. Oddly fitting.

b) OMG, Mom, have this talk later! For now, maybe stick with "Sorry!" Yeesh.

c) Um, is the kid continuing his... business... while picturing his mom's face and echoing voice? EWW.

I think that I am randomly going to break out with the phrase "One never knows when the homosexual is about", because hello, awesome. I am pretty sure that if I printed it on red t-shirts, I could make a billion dollars the first week of June!

And just remember the lesson here kids: Hitchhiking is totally ok and safe, unless it is these guys picking you up:

This one is pretty long, but worth it. (That's what SHE said!)

I... don't know where to start. I think "Puberty? That would take a little explaining. Maybe later?" will be my new pickup line. And yes, many things were new to Billy, like conversations about penises while on a lawnmowing break. Wait, lawnmowing DATE break? (One never knows when the homosexual is about!!!)

The transition in there where the coach says "So that afternoon in the locker room...." I was 99.8% sure we were going to transition into porn. And then he says something about "your bodies are changing from boys to men", and I cry a little inside because nobody breaks out into Motown Philly or On Bended Knee.

Also, THAT IS THE WORST DRAWING OF A PENIS EVER. And parents, do you really want the guy who points to the middle of a drawing's chest as he says "and your face" teaching your kids about anatomy physiology? But he does have really pretty handwriting.

I love that in the credits of one, the boys are billed not by name, but "From the Boys Clubs of San Francisco". Can you imagine walking into the local Y today and saying "Hey, we need a group of young boys for a video about sex. Can we borrow a couple dozen for the afternoon?" (OMG, even in the safe haven of San Francisco, You never know when the homosexual might be about!!!)

You know, I kind of want to create a comic book superhero called The Homosexual, just because he already has a catch phrase.

Anyway, there is also a part 2 to this one, but other than one kid saying "Someone needs to give you guys the word!", it's not as awesome. Except the part about women giving birth to chickens. And the mental image of the coach sitting around in his office after school drawing up some diagrams of the uterus. And the part where he says "Well, what you want to know about is sexual intercourse. That happens like this..." and I am reeeally afraid to look because I think he might take off his pants.

There are a few more videos in the original post I linked to, including one that tells you not to square dance while on your period (but going on a picnic is ok!), and two that are, I kid you not, about teaching sex ed to people with mental disabilities.

I am pretty sure that when my currently nonexistant baby is born (his/her name is going to be Awesome Hardcore), I am just going to sit him/her down in front of this blog post and let youtube do the teachin'.

So, do you think the people in these films put these jobs on their acting resume? "Oh, I played a pedophile with a case of 'the gay' in a movie once!" or does little Jimmy have.... wait. I was going to write a possible character title for the kid in the first video, but I realized just how many unsavory google hits it might bring me. So let's just skip that, shall we? I fear you, Google!!!

And thus ends my short but illustrius career as a sex blogger. I think.


Naima said...

is scared, will never masturbate again.

Crystal said...

But Naima, it is okay to have those feelings! And really, I promise to knock! Just don't masturbate while square dancing. Or something like that?

Hedy@penny for my thoughts said...

Homosexuality is as contangeous as small pox.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it