Thursday, April 01, 2010

Hunger

I was just looking at my blog to check some technical stuff, and I noticed how little I have blogged about my actual LIFE lately. I've talked fashion and movies and books, lions and tigers and bears, oh my! But not much about me. I'm pretty sure that's because my life has been kind of sucky and very stressful lately, so I'm avoiding it. But hey, what good is blogging if you don't share the bad along with the good sometimes?

Long story short, I'm broke. I'm beyond broke, I'm like... negative broke. I missed 6 weeks of work out sick on medical leave back in Nov/Dec, and just missed almost three more. When you're already in debt and living paycheck to paycheck, that is a major kick in the pants.

My rent is due, well, today, and I have no money to pay it. My electric bill is overdue. I have a payday loan that I got to help with last month's rent that I had to extend, because I can't pay it. I'm out of food, out of gas, and ewwwwww, out of kitty litter. (My apartment smells delightful!)

I missed keeping track of ONE item I bought, and as a result, I ended up with ELEVEN bounced items in my bank account, all of which cost between $1-6. The overdraft fees ate up my entire check for last week, so even though I got paid today, my account is still -$13. I'm drinking a LOT of tea, because I'm pretty much down to pop tarts and some plain pasta (no sauce or anything), and I can't stomach the idea of eating any more of either one.

I used almost the last of my gas today to go to my bank and beg for mercy. The lady I talked to wasn't able to reverse any of the fees for me, but she said she'd get in touch with a manager and see if they could. That was 11am, it's now 5pm and I haven't heard back. If they could even reverse ONE fee, I'd have like $20 to get some gas and food for the week. If not, I have no idea how I am getting to and from work between now and next payday!

I had a really crappy, rock bottom kind of day yesterday. I had an appointment to go to, and on the way there, I realized I hadn't had anything to drink yet that morning, and I was reeeeally thirsty. You know how you start getting a headache when you're getting dehydrated, and it's really annoying? Well, I got to my destination, and was frustrated to find that the whole building (it was a big mall-type complex of various offices and businesses) didn't have a water fountain. And trust me, you don't want to drink Orlando tap water. I knew there was a Dunkin Donuts on the lower floor, so I stopped in to ask for a glass of water, feeling kinda embarassed about asking for water without ordering anything.

The lady working the counter sort of rudely told me it would be 25 cents. I told her I didn't have any money on me, hoping she'd take some pity since I was being nice and pretty much begging, but she just gave me a shrug of the shoulders and waited on the next person. I ended up outside crying, a lot. Such a stupid thing, but it was that last straw.

I'm also freaking out because the license plates on my car expired yesterday, and my apartment complex periodically has cars towed if they have expired plates. ARRGH.

The most ironic part is that in my discussion with the bank lady today, I mentioned I heard there was a new law going into effect where you will no longer get charged overdraft fees on items that are less than $10. She confirmed that yep, there is, and it starts... April 1st. Today. If only screw-up had occurred a week and a half later, it would have saved me like $250.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my lease is up the end of this month. I'm planning to move back home with my mom for about 6 months, to get a break from all the crazy stress, and to get sorted out financially. We have an awesome house there that has a totally separate apartment downstairs where I used to live, so I can live rent and utility free for several months, without actually having to technically live with anyone. Not being in Orlando for the summer is going to seriously suck in some ways, but I think in the long run, it's the best thing I can do.

I still don't know what's going to happen with my job. I'm requesting a leave of absence, which means I would still have my job when I come back, I'd still have insurance while I'm gone, and I wouldn't lose my seniority. However, I'm not sure if it will get approved, or, even more importantly, if you are allowed to hold another job while on leave. I have to work while I'm back home, or there's no point. My other option is going seasonal, which means I'd still lose my seniority and insurance, but I't still technically work for Disney, and it would me much easier to get a full time position when I come back than if I totally quit. Even that, though, depends on me being able to get a seasonal position.

Did I mention I've been kinda stressed out?

99% of the time, I don't mind being single, but this is one of those times I really wish I had someone to go through this with, who would just hold me when things get too tough.

I re-watched the movie Beyond Borders the other night, to try to make my problems seem smaller. It's the one with Angelina Jolie, set in various refugee camps. It's a good reminder of what real struggle, and real courage, really look like. I remember this being the image that really haunted me the first time I saw it:



It's what got me involved with donating and raising money for Doctors Without Borders. Every $1 donated to them can provide 27 high-energy meals for starving people. I've been totally miserable the past week, and that's WITH a good roof over my head, air conditioning, clean water, and a couple of decent meals before my food stock dwindled. That's WITH internet and a phone and books to read, and hot showers. Being hungry SUCKS, but it sucks a lot less from an apartment in a gated community than a war-torn area where you fear for your safety. Things might really suck for me right now, but at least I know my situation is temporary. For thousands of people, it's a way of life. So I should feel lucky, feel grateful for what I do have.

Still, I'd totally kill for a taco right now!

6 comments:

Katie said...

Good luck with your finances. :( It sucks to be stressed about money.

Nicole said...

Aww you'll get back on your feet soon! I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now. ((hugs))

Skinny Dip said...

Sorry that you're going through all that at the moment. Moving home for a bit sounds like a really good idea to get back on your feet. I hope everything starts to look up for you soon! xo

Gestor said...

It is a complicated experience, the one of feeling lost and helpless. If you need to talk to someone, contact me.

The important thing, is to remember, that both life and hope still exist. You can recover, you can get back on your feet.

Jenny said...

OMG I feel for you. I was in the same situation last year. I didn't have as many expenses as you, nor did I have a career job to worry about losing, but financially I was broke and decided to move back in with my parents to get back on my feet. It was a tough decision, but the stress was definitely alleviated.

A few months turned into a year, but hey - it's working.

Hopefully it works for you too.

V said...

So many things to comment on in this post! But I will say.. welcome back, and a taco sounds quite good!