Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 39

I've been doing a "30 days" album on Facebook, where you post a picture that matches a list of tasks for 30 days. Day 29 was "In this past month, what have you learned?" and this is what I posted:


Not so much the past month as the past few years, but I have learned to take NOTHING for granted. In the past few years, I've watched so many things be stripped away- my apartment was broken into twice, which took away not only posessions but my sense of safety. My health has sucked, which means I will never again take for granted a day when I actually feel great. I have been broke to the point that my last 2 weeks living in Orlando were spent with no electricity, which taught me that a) it is hard to live off of food that needs neither refrigeration or microwaving, b) if you put candles along the ridge of the bathtub, they reflect enough light off the shower tiles that you can read at night if you lay in the tub, and c) there is a big difference between what we think are our wants vs our needs and what we can truly live with and without.

Yesterday, I lost one of my best friends. I saw it coming for a long time, but that doesn't make it much easier. He was the person I called when I had good news, had bad news, or needed someone to give me an honest opinion. He saw my very best and my very worst, and always loved me anyway.

I remember when I was about to move to Orlando and called him late one night, full of excitement and fears, and he said "You know, I worry about my friends, but I'm not worried about you. And that's not because I don't care, but because I know you are going to be okay."

So I have learned that anything that we think is ours can be lost at any time, and it might hurt, it might be hard. But as long as there is someone who loves us and believes us, even if they now only exist in our heart and memory, we will be okay, we will get through it, and eventually, will be happy again.

***

I literally lost my best friend, you guys. I've known Todd since I was a teenager, and over the years he became one of the most important and influential people in my life. We became somewhere between siblings and an old married couple. Actually, if just loving someone was enough to make a relationship work, I probably would have married him years ago. Instead he has been the person I called first when I was excited about something, sad about something, or needed advice. I *hate* the phone, but I happily talked to Todd all night countless times. I remember one time when he called around 7pm, and we were still on the phone when I had to leave for work at 9am the next morning. We finally got cut off when he tried to take his cordless phone in the shower to get ready for work.

He saw me at my best and my very worst, and always loved me anyway, and I can't begin to tell you how much strength that gave me.

At a convention for the computer game company we worked for in 2004

Todd's 43rd birthday would have been next week. I always knew my time with him in my life wasn't infinite, but I really wish we could have had at least a few more years.

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