Thursday, November 01, 2012

Dark Days

I haven't been here for the past few days, and I probably won't be for at least a few more. My super-loved kitty Hathaway got hit by a car on Tuesday, and I am absolutely shattered.

His absence is already overwhelming. The first thing I usually do in the morning is go upstairs for coffee, and then sit in the floor to cuddle the cats. Hath always came running and curled up in my lap, while his brother Puck would sit right next to me. It's nice to start your morning with a little love.

Puck, who has NEVER gotten in my lap before has been trying it out. I'm not sure if he can tell that I need to be comforted, or if it's him who is seeking comfort. He's definitely been depressed. He and Hathaway (and their sister Grace) have never been apart since they were born 9 months ago. Puck has been laying around looking exactly like someone who has just lost their best friend. But oh, it breaks my heart to see him awkwardly try to climb into my lap to cuddle. It's obviously not something he's comfortable with, but he's trying.

Hathaway has always been my little Adventurer. (His is named after a character from my beloved Adventurer's Club at Disney World.) Even as a baby, he would give me a look as if to say "I want to cuddle with you, but I really need to go have an adventure climbing up this big pile of laundry first. But as soon as I get back... cuddles." He followed me everywhere. If I wasn't quick enough closing the bathroom door, he would end up on my lap in there, too. When the new kittens were born and all of the other cats hated them on principle, Hath was the first cat to actually befriend them and play with them. Some of the last photos I have of him are from a few days ago, when he was holding his brother Bear down in bed to give him a very thorough bath.

I would happily choose almost any physical pain imaginable over the rawness of grief. I'm okay for a while, and then something will remind me of what I've lost, and my heart is ripped out all over again. I have experienced a LOT of loss in my life, especially over the past few years, and the lesson that I've learned over and over and over again is to take nothing for granted, because anything and everything can be gone in a second. So I think it's especially hard to lose the companion that I never took for granted, who I was thankful for every single day, especially through times where there were so few bright spots in the darkness.

Hathaway was an incredibly loved cat, and was unbelievably loving in return. I can't believe we were only together for 9 months, it feels like he was in my life much longer. I know that grieving takes time - it's not a process that you can rush, only survive. And so when the crushing pain hits as a memory comes to mind, I stop and breathe, and then focus on surviving the next breath, and the next, and the next.


tara said...

oh no!! i am so so sorry! this breaks my heart! :(

Vapid Vixen said...

I tried to post last night but for some reason it didn't save. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet cat. I lost my malamute the same way and even though she was "just a pet", she was mine and I still remember the heart-wrenching pain that her death ripped open. I understand what you're going through and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.