Monday, January 21, 2013

Bachelor Recap - Episode 3

It's Bachelor night again!

Tonight's episode opens with footage of Sean working out. Again. I'm already bored. Taking care of your body is great, but... does he ever do anything else?

Robin says she hopes the date card says "Robin- let's ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real." If that's what you want the card to say, I think you're dating the wrong guy, honey.

Lesley gets the one on one date, which isn't surprising because a) she and Sean had good chemistry at the group date last week, and b) it's been in all the promos. Sean takes her to the Guinness World Records museum, and she's basically like "Museum? This blows."  I admittedly kind of like these two together.

Next, he tells her they're going to try to break a record. I'm personally hoping that he's aiming for "most Twinkies eaten in an hour" or something, but no, they're going for the longest on-screen kiss. In other words, I'm about to have a few minutes to catch up on Twitter and e-mails.

The record is 3 min, 15 seconds. Do I really have to sit here and watch this for that long? The rules dude says that their lips have to continue touching the entire time. Wouldn't that get kind of annoying after a while? I mean, I'm a big fan of kissing, but you need the pauses in there! And maybe some time to breathe. Just sayin'.

Thankfully, they do a split screen thing so we're not staring at just the smooches for the solid length of time. Sean says "The hardest part was..." and I obviously automatically finish his thought with "Your penis", but no, he says "trying not to laugh". The record has been in place for 10 years, which makes me curious about what show/movie it was on. That kind of thing must have been harder before the world was flooded with reality TV.

When they hit the dinner part of the date, Sean asks Lesley "Tell me about growing up." If it were me, I'd be like "Well, when children hit what is called puberty, their bodies start going through all sorts of changes!" This is why nobody will ever cast me on one of these shows.

At this point, I am wondering who takes the photos of the girls for their bio pages on the Bachelor site. Compare Lesley's bio pic:


To this pic of her on the date:

As a general rule, shouldn't you look *better* in a professional photo?

Back at the mansion, AshLee kinda wins my heart (despite her super awkward name) when they read the group date card and she says "I'm kind of glad I'm not going on the group date, because it sounds like something active." I feel ya, girl.

The group date is beach sports, and at one point, Sean shocks everyone by actually putting on a shirt.

Don't worry, it didn't last long or anything. Actually, one of the girls says "Sean, take off your shirt!" and he replies "If you insist!" in such an assy, cocky way. Blech.

I don't think there's a polite way to say this, but... from this photo, I kinda get why Tierra acts so insecure now. Ashley S from a bunch of seasons ago remarked that there's a surprising lack of fake boobs this season, and she seems to be right! Maybe Sean requested au natural boobage?

Daniella tells us that playing volleyball to win alone time is "literally my worst nightmare", so we have this week's abuse of the word "literally". I wonder if Daniella was the offender last week, too?

When they start playing super dramatic, suspenseful music behind the volleyball game, I realize just how absurdly boring this episode is.

The 6 girls from the winning team go for dinner with Sean, and I actually feel kind of bad for the losers because the winning team contains Desiree, who has already had a one-on-one date, and Kacie, who has spent time with him outside of the show.

Kacie tries to pull the whole "Let me win your heart by filling you in on how fake some of the others are" thing. The thing is, she's doing it WAY too early. If you're down to like, the final 5 and someone sucks, that's not a bad time to call them out, but doing it on the 3rd show in is just silly. Of course some of the girls don't like each other! Amusingly, Sean actually calls her out and asks why she's telling him about it. FAIL.

Lindsey gets the group date rose, and I just now realize that she's from Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, where I've totally been a few times. Wait, is she crazy wedding dress girl from the first night?

Oh! She is! Wow. She has really stepped up her game since night 1!

Right before AshLee's one on one date, Tierra manages to fall and hurt herself on the stairs. I know this sounds horrible, but it seems like odd timing. Aren't the girls usually all gathered in the living room when the Bachelor shows up to pick up his date? Why would she be going upstairs moments before Sean is supposed to show up?

While they're loading her on the stretcher, Tierra is whining "I don't wannnnna do this! I don't WANT to go there. I want to be left ALONE." She sounds like a whiny 5 year old. If the paramedics think you should get checked out, why wouldn't you just let them check you out?

So now poor Weird Name AshLee is just sitting around while Sean is sitting outside with Tierra, making sure she is okay. Ugh. I also feel kinda bad for her because she is wearing a super cute dress and looks adorable, and Sean is in like, t-shirt and running shorts. Do they not tell the girls what to wear?

Sean finally pries his fingers off of Tierra's thigh and goes to Six Flags with AshLee. Sean tells her that they're bringing along two little girls that have chronic illnesses, which totally ups the fun factor. (Kidding, kidding.) They end the night with a private concert from Sean's favorite band, which I've never heard of before. It makes me wonder, if I was the Bachelorette, would I get to be like "Oh, and now U2 is going to play for us. No bigs."

Rose ceremony, blah blah blah. All the girls are totally cool and mature and get along perfectly. LOLZ JUST KIDDING. They put on their bitch faces, and it's super attractive.

Sean sends Kacie home before the rose ceremony even really starts. I guess her attempt to "play the game" reeeeally rubbed him the wrong way.

This week, we also say goodbye to two more girls: Taryn and Kristy. Were they even on this show? Who are these people? Oh well. Later, chicks.

Taryn  Kristy

Next week involves a roller derby group date, which should be pretty rad. Then there's going to be more Tierra drama, which I'm already bored of.

Who else is watching this season?

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