Monday, February 25, 2013

It's Bachelor Night! Bring On The Fantasy Suite!

Happy Monday, blog readers! It's Bachelor day!

I saw Chris Harrison tweet thins morning that there are 3 women getting fantasy suite (aka overnight) dates this week, so I was like "Sean, you slut!", and knew this should be amusing.

They're in Thailand this week, for who knows what reason. Sean spends a ton of time telling us why he's super into each of the three women, and I use this time to eat a bunch of cookies. I toootally could have napped an extra 10 minutes.

Usually by this phase in these Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, there's that one person that you're really rooting for, thinking "I bet those crazy kids could make it work." I don't have one this time. I just don't feel like Sean has hit a point of depth in any of these relationships that would translate to becoming engaged soon.

Lindsay is up first, and she gets bonus points for wearing a minty green skirt just like the one I made a while back. (Oh, hey, I really need to blog about that!) One of the things that Sean says he likes about her is that she "never seems to have a bad day". That alone should be proof you don't know her that well, dude! You're still on your super best behavior around each other.

They go shopping in a Thai market, and there are dozens of crates of neon colored baby chicks, which is probably the saddest thing I've seen all week. They wander around, they buy some stuff, they eat some stuff (no neon chickens), and Sean decides to test her by seeing if she'll eat bugs. What is with his need to put these girls through all kinds of "physical challenges"? Is this dating or Double Dare, dude?

Dating Tip: If I have to watch you nibble on a giant grasshopper, I am TOTALLY not kissing you anytime soon.

Dating Tip #2- If you take a girl all the way to frickin' Thailand, maybe come up with something more fun to do than eat snacks and bugs?

They go to eat dinner amidst a bunch of parade floats, which light up as they approach. "All of a sudden, all these lights turn on and I am just blown away!" Oh. Lindsay is blown away by the concept of electricity. I guess that explains why she finds Sean so exciting, too?

Sean hands Lindsay the envelope inviting her to spend the night with him in the fantasy suite. These are super cheesy, but I guess it's a step up from the Bachelor just randomly being like "So... I have this penis..."

In the suite, Lindsay tells Sean she loves him, but it is sooooo painfully forced. She basically just wanted to say it to keep from being eliminated. (I'm not saying she didn't feel it necessarily, just that she didn't seem ready to actually say it AT ALL.)

(Sorry for the lack of photos in this post, btw, y'all. ABC stopped posting "sneak peek" photos a few weeks ago, so I've had nothing to steal since I watch on TV like an old-fashioned person and thus can't do screen grabs.)

AshLee gets date #2, and we all know from the previews that he's taking her snorkeling (or something water-y) through a cave. To me, that is waaaay more freaky than shopping and eating bugs. But of course, in true Sean fashion, he wants to test her to see if she can give up some control. I totally wish one of these girls could make Sean do something he hates in return.

(In a side note, I want to punch the camera person in the face for AshLee. This girl has an AMAZING body, but the camera dude manages to find the one angle that is reeeeally unflattering on her when she's in a bikini. You suck, camera dude.)

All the TV lighting takes away a bit of the cave's deep dark creepyness, but it's still pretty creeptastic. If this was me, I'd be like "Ya know what? Have a great marriage with one of the other girls. I'll just get a cat. Later."

Closest I could find.

So, here's the annoying thing, while we're on a commercial break. I've avoided reading all of the Bachelor blogs this season, because I always seem to end up getting spoiled by the comments. I was patting myself on the back for the fact that it would actually be a surprise this season. Then, just now, I was Google Imaging pics of the three girls to use here and... I got spoiled. NOT HAPPY. If people want to know spoilers, I really don't care, but don't ruin it for everyone else!

Anyway, back to the episode!  There's this moment on AshLee's date (when she sais "Stop it! Tell me more.") that she suddenly suuuuuuper reminds me of Rachel Zoe. Now that's all I will hear!

Catherine is Date #3, and I am pretty sure she just chugged like a 2-liter of Red Bull, because she is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited. For the first half of the date, they basically lay around on a boat and talk.

Okay, wait. Lindsay had to eat bugs, AshLee had to swim through a super creepy cave, and Catherine got to work on her tan? SO UNFAIR. They snorkel, and then there's a bunch of kissing while it storms in the background and all I can think is a) they are totally going to get electrocuted and b) Sean obviously never learned much from Arie's School of How To Look Good Kissing On Camera.

It's Fantasy Suite date card time, but Catherine is all "LOL NOPE!". Just kidding. But that is totally the reaction I'd have if Sean tried to get me alone with him. I am so bored at this point that I find myself cleaning the area around my laptop, and then remembering that I'm supposed to be blogging about this crap.

I do have to give Sean some clever points for phrasing his Fantasy Suite invites as "I just want to spend some alone time with you!" so the girls can say yes without worrying as much about how TV viewers will judge them. It's kind of creepy to think about though. Imagine being the 3rd girl and wondering if he's been gettin' freaky with the other two the past two nights.

This is the week where all 3 girls make a video message for Sean that he watches before he eliminates someone. I remember watching Emily's face when she watched these last season, and knowing from her expression that she was gonna off Sean. I'm pretty sure from Sean's reaction that I know who is going tonight, but we shall see! (After a message from our sponsors!)

Okay, it's rose time.

How did it take me so many weeks to make this joke?

Oh, right, time to break someone's heart so they can go find a less boring man. There's a weird torch burning behind Sean, which makes this feel even more like Survivor than when they were eating bugs.

Rose number one goes to Lindsay, and the second rose (after the longest pause EVER) goes to Catherine. I'm pretty sure AshLee saw it coming, because she was shaking her head the whole ceremony. She looks pissed, and I can't blame her. She doesn't even want to let Sean talk, she heads straight for the car, but he talks her into letting him explain himself. I don't think anything he says helps- it's more about making him feel better than her. At first I'm impressed that she doesn't cry, but then I remember that she's had a lot of practice at being super controlled.

Next week is "The Women Tell All", and then the week after that is finale time! I'm admittedly not that excited for the finale. I just don't feel invested in either relationship.

Who do you guys think will win? Or are you kinda "meh", too? Would you go to the Fantasy Suite if you were on the show?

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