Friday, July 31, 2015

I Seem To Have Misplaced July - Have You Seen It?

How is this the last day of July? Where did it go? How did I only post a handful of times all month?

I'm about to get all old school blogger on you: stream-of-consciousness, omg there aren't even any pictures in this thing. Sorry 'bout it.

I'm in such a weird place in my life right now. I'm working so. freaking. hard. to save up for my impending move back to Florida, but hot damn is it hard to get any momentum going. I cant remember which book it was in (I've been reading like a fiend lately, or more accurately like my pre-internet middle school self) but I read something last night that mentioned how almost anything big is at least three times harder than you expect it to be. TRUTH. 

I need this move. I need to shake things up, start fresh. I've been stuck in Missouri for five years now, and every now and then I glance around and think "How did I get here? This is all wrong." I know that changing your surroundings is not an instant recipe for happiness, but I can't shake the feeling that where I am now just isn't the right fit for me. I miss my Florida friends and my palm trees and lazily wandering around Epcot on days off.

I'm trying. I've been viciously de-cluttering, a weird way to put it, I know, but I can't think of a more accurate description. I am tired of being weighed down by things that I keep just because I've always kept them. I've been working my bootie off whenever possible. So much writing. So much trying to pull my new side business together. So much reaching out, trying to make sure that when I do pick up and move, that I won't constantly be freaking out about money and unable to enjoy the life I've worked so hard to get back to.

It sounds so simple - do the work, make plans, budget, go. But man do I feel like I'm swimming against the current most of the time. Despite over a year of doctor visits every few months to figure out the right antidepressant/anti-anxiety medicine, I still get exhausted way too fast. My brain overloads after a couple of hours of trying to focus on work and gets way too fuzzy to produce the kind of content I'm getting paid for. And if I try to push through the exhaustion, mental and physical, and just keep going-going-going until there's finally a significant dent in my to-do list, my body totally shuts down on me and I usually find myself spending at least 24 hours in the most unimaginable vomit-y, headache-y, has ended in trip to ER more than once, pain. (That coming from someone who didn't even touch the fancy pain meds after getting my wisdom teeth out. I took an Advil or something and a nap. My pain tolerance is just weird.)

Throw in the weight of looking after mom while she's in the nursing home recovering from yet another bout of getting so weak that there are nights I have to feed her her dinner, as well as looking after things at her house and running to the store any time she needs snacks or random supplies (which is multiple times a week), and the little bit of energy that I start most days with gets zapped pretty fast.

So yeah, things are tough at the moment. They're not bad, by any means - I've spent more than enough time in "bad" times. Enough that I appreciate "Tough, but not awful" as an alternative. But I thought I'd share where I am right now, what's up in my head. A long string of day after day where I feel like I'm giving my all but only inching forward in tiny increments. But at least it's still forward motion.

I can't wait to be home (despite growing up in MO, FL is "home"), sharing adventures and silliness and all sorts of good things here. I can't wait to have stories that feel like they're worth telling again. Blogging can start to feel rough when your day was, "I wrote some articles, snuggled my cats, and threw away a bunch of old papers". It will be so much more fun when I get to go back to writing about the awesome new local band I just discovered, the hilarious thing I overheard at Disney World, the photos from random day trips to the beach just because it's just an hour away. Yes, life will still be crazy and hard and stressful after I move, but all of that is a lot easier to deal with when you're surrounded by people and places and things you love. That's what I need to get back to.

Time to start another day. Maybe I'll make a few more inches of progress than I did yesterday. Keep moving forward.

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